FROM: ANTHONY SMART
Monday Morn. October/09/2023 9:44 a.m.
…First I tried to write all these words into a physical sheet, in my notebook. But as always, Felt that my fingers couldn´t trace the letters, this is because “I´m autistic”. Then that´s when I thought that it would be better to write it all with a keyboard. (Nowatdays my fingers get really tired whenever I try to write as I used to do it always in the past. Besides. Having all those feelings in me, makes me feel like, no matter what I do write or not, nothing will bring me back my entire wasted life…)
Before I came here, I was at the bathroom, shitting. And while was into that, yes, I started to cry, AGAIN!
Because then I had seen many other things! Then I remembered too parts of my life. Parts that really hurt in a existencial way… HOW TO SCAPE FROM ALL OF IT, AND FROM ALL THE HUMILLIATION THAT ALL OF IT CAUSED ME?!
In some how, ALL I DID WAS TALKING TO YOU IN A MENTAL WAY. I IMAGINED BEING IN FRONT OF YOU… Then, in one point of the conversation I TOLD YOU: “PLEASE! GO AWAY! I DON´T WANT YOU TO SEE ME CRY! LEAVE ME ALONE!” …
IN THIS IMAGINARY CONVERSATION I TOLD YOU THIGS THAT ONLY TO “MY PSICOLOGIST” HAD TOLD TO… (But she is not my friend… So, DO YOU ARE…?)
Then I thought and I told to my self: “Oh, C´mon, Tony! YOU ONLY ARE HIS EMPLOYEE, AND HE ONLY IS YOUR EMPLOYER…”
Then that´s when I realized that I HAVE NO ANY RIGHT ON YOU TO ASK YOU: “CAN WE TALK?” “CAN YOU HEAR ME…?”
Each time I tried or I told you a little piece of my “personal actual life”, I really felt STUPID! Somehow I felt or saw that you did not care. I mean. HOW COULD YOU WHEN I ONLY WAS A PERSON THAT CLEANS YOUR HOUSE…?!
“Wanting to find “LOVE, FRIENDSHIP…, WHEN I HAD NOTHING TO GIVE OR TO OFFER… I DIDN´T EVEN LOVE MY SELF SO I COULD LOVE TO ANOTHER…”
Being A DEAD WALKING… Pretending all the time “that I was ALIVE”. Moving, doing things, BUT ALWAYS STAYING AT THE SAME POINT…
Everytime I saw smile and laugh… I tried to do the same too!
I must confess that THE FIRST WEEKS I WORKED FOR YOU I JUST SAW YOU AS A NORMAL MAN… THEN I DON´T KNOW WHEN OR AT WHAT MOMENT I REALLY STARTED “TO LOVE YOU”.
THEN I TRIED TO GIVE YOU MY EVERYTHING: BODY, SOUL… I HAD NO MUCH TO BE GIVEN… SO, DOING OR TRYING TO DO AN EXCELLENT WORK ON CLEANING YOUR HOUSE, MADE ME FEEL THAT I WAS THE ONLY WAY I HAD TO REALLY SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I LOVED YOU…
Also. The day I knew you really liked MANGOS… That day I felt lucky for knowing that. Because inside in my mind, I only thought and told to my self: “YES! I WILL BUY HIM MANGOS!” (So I did…)
Last night I thought on a lot of things… Things that I maybe never can tell you!
Thinking in that way, for a long time, made me to discover THE REAL MEANING OF MY PAYMENT, ALL THAT MONEY THAT YOU GAVE ME…
I actually thought and brought to my mind the first time WHEN YOU PAID ME MORE THAN WHAT I HAD TO BE PAID… Then you told me: “OH. IT IS FOR HELP YOU FOR YOUR TRANSPORTATION…”
Right up at the moment, DEEP WITHIN ME, I JUST WANTED TO CRY! BECAUSE RECEIVING FROM YOU AN EXTRA 150 PESOS, IN SOME HOW FINALLY MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING THAT MY ENTIRE LIFE HAD WANTED TO FEEL: “SUPPORT!”
… THAT ENTIRE AMOUNT OF MONEY, ALSO MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING I EVER WANTED TO FEEL: “PROTECTION”.
Inside of me, a part of my own past made me to remember WHEN I NEEDED MONEY SO I COULD PRINT THE COPIES OF MY TALES… Remembering of much I always had to fight for each peso… FEELING MY SELF A HUMAN WASTE. BECAUSE I DID NOT HAVE A NORMAL JOB…, TO PRODUCE MONEY…
… And one day, when I stole a book from the library… (I WONDER WHEN I WILL CAN WRITE THE ENTIRE BOOK OF MY LIFE…) To tell the way every little thing happened…
I had stolen that book, because I asked to the authority of the town for “money-support” for my labor of writer… “I go to schools to read to the children”, was that occured to me to say so they could know THAT I WAS DOING “AN IMPORTANT THING”. But they did not give a damn at all!
So, feeling angry, went into the library “and took my first book”. It was for me… I took with me, and I kept it!
Then time passed by and one day, because of visiting teachers, I met that same teacher, that man that at the beggining helped me “buying the copies of my tales”.
And after one visit after another, he and I started to talk about many things… (He never really was MY FRIEND AT ALL. The rest? I hope one day to explain it the book of my life…)
What yes now I can tell is that… ONE DAY, WHEN I HAD NO TALE TO SELL, AND WHEN I WENT TO THIS SRORE TO ASK HIM WHETHER HE HAD SOME LITTLE JOB TO GIVE ME TO DO, AND WHEN HE RESPONDED ME THAT “NO”, AFTER STAYING AS AN IDIOT IN FRONT OF ME, IT FINALLY OCCURED TO ME TO TELL ME: “OH… I HAVE A BOOK… AND I WONDER IF YOU ARE INTERESTED ON BUYING IT”.
I remember that he asked, of course, what book was that… And I, as I was a fucking good seller, I STARTED TO TALK, EXPLAINING HIM HOW GOOD THAT BOOK WAS… I remember have told him: “OH… IT´S A HISTORY BOOK, WITH INFORMATION THAT YOU REALLY HAVE TO KNOW… “ (Ha ha. REMEMBERING THIS RIGHT NOW, HAS MADE ME LAUGH A LOT… BECAUSE NOW I CAN SEE HOW TERRIFIED I WAS, AND HOW MUCH FEAR I WAS FEELING, BUT, BECAUSE BEING MY SELF “FUCKING SMART”, I DID THE BEST ACT OF MY LIFE. BECAUSE I NEEDED TO GET SOME COINS!)
Inside of me I never stopped to be praying: “Please, PLEASE. BUY ME THE BOOK… BUY IT!”
…So he did… And that day I could have some money to buy some food…
I SOLD TO THAT MAN BOOKS THAT I REALLY LOVED… AND EACH TIME I HAD TO LET GO ONE OF THEM, I FELT THAT I WAS BETRAYING THEM!
“I´M SORRY, I´M SORRY!”, always told them. “I PROMISE THAT ONE DAY, WHEN I MAKE MONEY AS A WRITER, I WILL COME BACK AND I WILL RECOVER TO ALL OF YOU!”
I really LOVED THEM ALL… But I had so sacrifice them, BECAUSE I COULDN´T… KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON ME?!
(It´s been more than a year that I haven´t gone to visit to that man. And I never want to do it again… Comeback to his store, to just tell him… “PLEASE! KEEP MY BOOKS SAFE, ´CAUSE ONE DAY I WILL COMEBACK FOR ALL OF THEM… AND I DON´T CARE HOW MUCH MONEY I HAVE TO PAY TO HAVE THEM BACK WIHT ME!”)
… As I said. Last night, after being thinking a lot, I discovered many things.
I COULD DISCOVER THE REAL MEANING AND SENSE OF ALL THE PAYMENTS THAT YOU DID ME… Each time you paid me six hundred, or even seven hundred, I ONLY WANTED TO ASK YOU “WHY?”
Of course that those amounts MADE ME FEEL SUPPORTED AND PROTECTED… (But, in my mind, I could not help to fantasy… “OH… MY DAD LOVES ME SO MUCH!”)
And, as a big boy, I ALLOWED TO MY SELF TO FEEL SOMETHING THAT I EVER WANTED TO FEEL: “BELONGED TO SOMEONE”.
In my head, I REALLY TOLD TO MY SELF: “I DO BELONG TO HIM… HE IS MY DAD… AND I LOVE HIM SO STRONG AND DEEP!”
Right now, while I´m typing all of these words, so many tear drops have fallen onto the keyboard… I´VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT, AND THIS WHAT ALL THE TIME MAKES ME CRY THIS EASYLY…
Last night, when I also discovered the reason that really gave SENSE TO MY PAYMENTS… (I mean. I´m romantic and so stupid…)
SINCE THE MOMENT THAT I STARTED TO BUY FRUITS TO SHARE WITH YOU, RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT “MY MONEY” REALLY GAINED A TRUE MEANING!
THAT WAS SOMETHING THAT I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN WITH WORDS LIKE THESE ONES NOW I WRITE HERE…
“BUYING FRUITS, WITH THE IMAGE OF YOU ALWAYS IN MY MIND… THINKING ONLY ONE HOW HAPPY YOU WOULD BE AT THE MOMENT OF EATING EACH PIECE OF IT… And me in front you! Fantasying that we were like… “FATHER AND SON…” “HAVING DINNER TOGETHER… HAVING DESSERT TOGETHER…”
And, altough I could not look at you too much in your eyes, I JUST WANTED TO EXPLAIN YOU AND TO LET YOU KNOW “THE REASON WHY”…
“I´m Autistic…” “DAD… ALTOUGH I SOMETIMES CANNOT LOOK DIRECTLY AT YOUR EYES… DO YOU… DO YOU ACCEPT ME AND… LOVE ME WITH THIS FAULT HERE IN MY BRAIN?”
Ps. There are more things I´d like to talk out… But… Right now I´m afraid… Past never goes away from me…
Anthony S. Smart
October/09/2023
11:02 a.m. Monday
SAME DAY: 1:54 p.m. Day remains fucking sad and cloudy… Today I couldn´t go to the library, to only check if I could find other new “indie songs”.
I remained lied down until one ´clock… My head and my skull… (WON´T SAY IT!)
In the first part of my letter, I just wanted TO TELL YOU, THINGS THAT ONLY HAD TOLD TO THE PSICOLOGIST… (And when she heard of all that, she never responded me NOTHING AT ALL. Maybe it was because SHE WAS NOT A MAN…)
So, this morning, while I was shitting and crying, I only felt the needing OF TELLING IT TO YOU…
“I HAVE NO PICTURES OF ME AT ALL… NONE OF MY CHILDHOOD, NONE OF MY YOUTHFUL…”
Remembering this early this morning WAS SOMETHING THAT MADE ME FEEL THE MOST MISERABLE PERSON OVER THIS EARTH… “No pictures of Anthony… NONE…”
And, the very few that one day were taken to me… ONE DAY I TOOK THEM OUT OF THE ALBUM AND THEN, AFTER CRYING, ONE BY ONE I STARTED TO TEAR THEM UP…
Among those few pictures it was that one, WHERE AN ANTHONY OF SIX YEARS OLD APPEARED WIHT HIS FIRST GRADE TEACHER, A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN, WITH A GLANCE OF COMPASSION IN HER FACE…
…I DID IT! I TORE THAT PICTURE! I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THAT MEMORY OF MY AWFUL CHILDHOOD… ALTOUGH SHE HAD BEEN AN “ANGEL” FOR ME AT THAT MOMENT OF MY SHORT EXISTENCE…
That day when all of us were called to get out, I was the only kid who got full of fear and despair… I WAS SO AFRAID! AT THAT TIME, I ALREADY HATED TO BE “ALIVE”. And the lonelyness I felt in me…
I STILL CAN REMEMBER THAT MORNING!! I CAN STILL TO THAT LITTLE ANTHONY, WITH HIS AWFUL AND DAMAGED FACE… (AGAIN. THE TEAR DROPS HAVE STARTED TO FALL ONTO MY KEYBOARD…)
…I CLOSE MY EYES, AND I ONLY HOLD TIGHT TO MY TEACHER… AND THEN I TELL TO HER MEMORY: “PLEASE, HELP ME TO CONTINUE HERE… YOU LOVED ME! AND I KNOW YOU DID… AND I LOVE YOU! WHERE EVER YOU CAN BE NOW, DEAD OR ALIVE, YOUR MEMORY… YOUR MEMORY NEVER GETS APART FROM ME!
…Again. Feel like I can´t keep on writing now… I FEEL PARALIZED… The day is sad and cloudy, and my existence it is into the same way… Sad and cloudy…
Anthony S. Smart
October/09/2023
2:19 p.m. Monday
TUESDAY 11:19 a.m. 0ctober/10/2023
It´s another new day… Tuesday. Now, when I´ve been fighting against my self, past and present… I JUST TRY TO CONCENTRATE, TO BE QUIET… TO NOT FEEL FEAR, LONELYLESS AND ABANDON…
Then, while my ears go listening at this indie song, I… I CLOSE MY SELF AND I LET “MY IMAGINARY FATHER ROBERT MUELLER” TO HOLD ME!!!
“OH, TONY…”, he says in my fantasy… “YOU ARE MY KID, MY SON, AND YOU DON´T KNOW HOW HAPPY I´M BECAUSE OF HAVING YOU HERE IN MY LIFE! I LOVE YOU, TONY… AND I KNOW THAT YOU LOVE ME TOO! I CAN SEE IT YOUR EYES, THE WAY YOU ALWAYS LOOK AT ME… OH, SON. I´M SO PROUD TO BE YOUR FATHER…”
…This terrifying pain in me, my head, my forehead and face… Sometimes I felt could not move my arms… not even my neck…”
…So, I WAS 25. I had just arrived from California… Then, it was by that time THAT I DECIDED “TO BECOME HOMOSEXUAL”…
Those awful memories following me ALL THE TIME… AND EVERY TIME I WATCHED AN OLDER MAN… WHEN MY EYES LOOKED AT ONE GOOD LOOKING, THEN I JUST WISHED TO BE HIS SON…
BUT THEN, REMINDING ME RAPIDLY HOW UGLY I WAS… ALL THOSE FACES LAUGHING OF ME, MAKING ME FEEL WORST THAN SHIT
THEN I COULDN´T GUESS ALL THIS NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE HERE IN ME.
“I WAS BORN DEAD. BUT MY BODY SEMPT TO BE BREATHING…”
RIGHT NOW, WHILE I´M CRYING THIS HARD IN FRONT OF THIS SCREEN, AND WHILE MY TEARS DON´T STOP TO BE FALLING DOWN ONTO THIS KEYBOARD…
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, I PRAY TO HEAVEN AND TO MY IMAGINARY FATHER ROBERT MUELLER TO GIVE ME STRENGHT…
Ps. It was Sunday night when, after had been thinking a lot, I FINALLY CAME TO FIND THE PSICOLOGIC ANSWER TO THAT SCENE BETWEEN YOU AND THAT SISSY… (I know I had not to mention this onto this letter, because I did not wanted to “dirty this letter”… To mention that sissy… But if I have had done it, it´s because I think I was not going to be able to tell it to you FACE TO FACE…)
YOU “CHOOSED” TO SLEEP WITH HIM “BECAUSE HE WAS BETTER THAN I”. Besides, you have more time of knowing each other… (That slut… So femenine. I vomite over him!)
Then that made me think… IF HE WAS BETTER THAN ME, THEN THAT MEANT THAT HE WAS “ENOUGH” FOR YOU… THEN, IF HE WAS “ENOUGH” FOR YOU, THEN WHY YOU ALWAYS SEEKED ME TO… (Because I only was for you a piece of mead to get sexual satisfaction…?!) (THIS REALLY HURTS… IN ME…) YOU HAD YOUR SISSY AT YOUR OWN HOUSE TO PLAY WITH IT ALL WHAT YOU WANTED TO PLAY ALL THE TIME… NIGHT AND DAY,,, DAY AND NIGHT… Oh, but WHY ME?! (I was NO BODY, AND HAD NOT ANY SECURITY IN ME TO ONLY HAVE TOLD IF YOU WOULD HAVE ASKED ME THAT DAY AT THAT HOUSE: “CAN I TOUCH YOU?”. THEN I KNOW I WOULD HAD ANSWERED: “OH, I´D LIKE YOU DO, BUT NO. THANKS! I´VE BEEN HURT BEFORE… NOW I DON´T LOOK FOR SEX. NOR NOTHING, NO ANYMORE… BUT YES! I REALLY NEED THE JOB!”
I COULD SAY MORE AND MORE! BUT… WHAT IT COULD BE THE USE?!
STAY WITH THE SISSY… AND WITH OTHERS… (I don´t mind at all. You are free to do whatever you want! YOU ARE A HUMAN… AS I´M TOO…)
…YOU WERE SPECIAL AND UNIQUE FOR ME… (Just wanted you to know it…)
EACH HUG AND EACH TOUCH, I WROTE ON THOSE CHAPTERS OF “UNA TARDE INOLVIDABLE”: “THOSE HUGS BETWEEN LONE-BOY AND THAT MAN (his dad) SEMPT NOT BE FROM THIS WORLD… BECAUSE IT´S BEAUTYNESS AND IT´S DEEPNESS WERE REALLY INCREDIBLE… AND LONE-BOY FINALLY SEMPT TO HAVE FOUND WHAT AN ENTIRE LIFE HE HAD BEEN SEEKING FOR…
Ps. I decided to become “homosexual”, because I thouhgt that that was an easy way to find… A FATHER, A FRIEND, SOME ONE TO BELONG TO… BUT I… BUT I WAS DAMN UGLY AND AWFUL FACE. SO I KNEW THAT THAT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN, NOT INTO THIS WOLRD OF REALITY…
I WAS JUST 25… BUT I HAD NO IDEA OF WHAT WAS WRONG IN ME…
Anthony S. Smart
October/10/2023
11:37 a.m. Tuesday
