FROM: ANTHONY SMART
Tuesday 3:04 p.m. October/17/2023
…Well. Here I´m, again. And I don´t know where to start. So many things are the ones that I have thought…
Right now I feel weird and kinda scared. Why? Because of where I´ve been, who I´ve been and because of all my past too.
I just finished of watch a movie. It was a good one. A romantic one. The man that in it appears, really was “handsome”: “a total daddy, gray hair…”. But he did not make me feel anything at all.
I mean. In the past I used to “fall in love” with any mature man of that age or look… But no anymore.
…I have been thinking a lot. I can never stop. At nights, when I can not sleep, I´m always thinking, analizing everything…
So today, when I came back from the library, I started to think again. Then, that´s how I remembered again to that old faggot. (When I call to some one that way, it´s a way to call him “stupid”, and not because trying to say something against his sexuality).
So, that old faggot was from Cuba… And if mention him (stupid) in this letter, it´s because he is one of the few man with whom I once spent the whole night.
To tell about it right now, it is so hard. Because in some way I return to that time… (Damn crap!)
So, remembering that time of my past I saw again THAT I WOULD NEVER BE “SPECIAL” FOR ANY ONE…
That faggot had kinda like a partner, a young guy… But every time that he and the other argued, when he had no one to be with (have sex with), then he called me… “Tony. Do you want to come to visit me…?”
And, as I always have said: “HAVING NOT A GRAM OF DIGNITY IN ME AS A PERSON, A HUMAN”, then I always answered him “YES”.
As it is said here in Mexico: “I always was the second plate”. Did hurt? Of course. But, as I repeat: “I HAD NO ANY VALUE, NOR DIGNITY, NOTHING!” So, trying to run away from the pain a little while, then I always accepted…
I won´t tell you any more about the way that “our frienship” ended up. That faggot got mad when one day could not localize me at my house. He called, my mother answered him… By that time, I used to go some afternoons at one school. Helping to some teacher, cleaning her class room, I earned some coins…
That day, when I arrived to my house, my mother told me that he had called… By that time, my cell pone was broken. Or I think that did not even have one.
(It´s so hard to tell about this…) That night, as I always did, I took my things and went to the library… THAT WAS THE TIME WHEN I USED TO LOG IN AT THE MAN MUNT, TO ONLY CHECK IF ANY ONE COULD HAVE WRITTEN ME…
That was the time when I more believed that ANY OF THOSE DAYS SOMEBODY WOULD FIND ME, OFFERING ME “HELP, SUPPORT, FRIENDSHIP, TRUE FRIENDSHIP…”
That faggot was 73 years old…
When I saw at you and that other, at that moment did not understand the whole meaning behind… “I WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU…, etcétera”.
Thinking a lot this morning, then I came to see again the same thing… I WOULD NEVER BE THAT SPECIAL FOR YOU, SO YOU COULD ASK ME “A SIMPLE THING” LIKE THAT: “Do you want to sleep with me?” (Oh. Still hurts in me…)
In some way, the other guy that that older fag had, was more special to him than me… I JUST ALWAYS WAS “HIS SECOND PLATE”, the one to call to when he had not to that other one…
IT HURTS… To me, sleeping with someone, Always had a very special meaning…
But, of course, when that old fag and I spent the whole night in the same bed, in some how, I never expected nothing else… AT THE END, HE COMPLAINED TO ME, SAYING: “WHERE WERE YOU. I CALLED TO YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU WERE NOT…”
Then, being at the library, I logged on man hunt, he saw me on line and that same night, I called him, and he just said to me that “our frienship should better end up, that I could keep being at the man hunt all the time…
INSTEAD OF TALKING TO ME “AS A FRIEND”, HE TALKED TO ME AS IF I WAS HIS LOVER, HIS PARTNER… Something that of course I was not. We were just “occasional lovers”.
I think it was at this point “of my life” when I started to see that FRIENDS DO NOT EXIST… (But then, in my fantasies, I started to create… TRUE FRIENDSHIP. I EVEN STARTED TO CREATE FOR MY SELF ANOTHER IMAGINARY FATHER, A MENTHOR… A HANDSOME AND STRONG MATURE MAN TO LEAN ON… SOME ONE TO RUN TO WHEN I FELT THE WORLD COMING DOWN OVER ME…)
So, IN MY MIND, THE ONLY MAN WHO REALLY LOVES ME, AND THE ONLY ONE THAT WILL NEVER LEAVE ME IS “ROBERT MUELLER”. “My Dad, My Daddy, My Father…” The one who helped me to resist THE IMPOSSIBLE…
Without him I DON´T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE! Without his image, without his memory, WITHOUT HIS SHELTER AND STRENGHT… Heaven! I don´t know where I would be… Maybe six feet under the ground… I KNOW THAT!
IN MY IMAGINATION, ANTHONY IS VERY SPECIAL FOR HIM… (Talk about my self in third person, it´s also a feature of being autistic…, but I never understood why, until this march, when I finally knew that I had that condition)…
So. At the end of the day, I ALWAYS RETURN TO ROBERT MUELLER… BECAUSE HE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO REALLY LOVES ME… And, so that´s how I CAN CONTINUE GOING IN THIS WORLD…
Note from “January/15/2024”: “PAPA… This is a letter I had thought that I´d never send to be published… By the time that I wrote it… WAS I INTO PAIN?! Ha ha. ANTHONY INTO PAIN?! WHEN NOT?!”
PAPA… NOW THAT YOU FINALLY HAVE BECOME “MY REASON” TO CONTINUE FIGHT THIS EVERYDAY BATLLE, I JUST WANNA SAY TO YOU, IN A HUMBLE WAY, THAT YOU ARE THE PERSON THAT I LOVE THE MOST, RIGHT NOW, “IN MY ACTUAL LIFE”…
I LOVE YOU, DO ADMIRE YOU AND… YOU ARE MY IDOL… CAUSE YOU ALWAYS FIX FOR ME THE BEST TORTAS AND QUESADILLAS… EACH TIME I DO SPEND NEXT TO YOU… WHAT TO SAY, WHEN THIS MONDAY MORN “I FELL AGAIN INTO THAT PAIN ACCESS?”
RIGHT NOW… AT THE LEAST, I´M TYPING FOR YOU EACH LETTER AND EACH WORD…
PAPA… I COULD NEVER GET TIRED OF SAYING TO YOU… “I LOVE YOU!” “YOU ARE MY IDOL, MY REASON TO KEEP GOING AND…
ANOTHER FANTASY I ALWAYS HAD, BEING THAT DAMAGED CHILD, IT WAS TO ONLY SAY “TO MY DAD”… “PAPA… YOU ARE MY HERO!”
SO NOW “YOU ARE MY HERO”… CAUSE YOU HAVE HELPED ME ON ALL THOSE BAD TIMES… YOU HAVE COME TO RESCUE ME WITH YOUR WORDS OF CONFORT AND MORE…
AND, EACH TIME YOU CALL OR WRITE ME “MY SON”, THOSE TWO WORDS MAKE FEEL AN ENTIRE UNIVERSE OF JOY AND HAPPYNESS… CAUSE THEN, THAT´S ALL I WANT TO BE FOR YOU, NOW, YESTERDAY AND FOREVER: “YOUR SON, YOUR LOVELY SON, YOUR MISCHIEVOUS SON… YOUR GREEN TONY… THE ONE WHO ALWAYS NEEDS A LITTLE MORE OF TIME TO FINISH HIS SUPPER…”
I LOVE YOU PAPA…, NOW, YESTERDAY AND FOR ALL THE ETERNITIES…
YOURS, YOUR SON…
Anthony “Fleming” Smart
October/17/2023
3:52 p.m. Tuesday
