DIARIO DE ANTHONY
DEAR PAPÁ…
8:58 p.m. … As I wrote you, just few seconds ago, I couldn´t help to start thinking that you´d go tonight to… (You know…)…
Suddenly I got this very insecure feeling here in me, and then, without can´t help it, after some few seconds more, I STARTED TO CRY.. Cause then I remembered that, that day when I did that trip, in wich I´d see you for an specie of “job interview”, I (Still Anthony Smart and not “Anthony Fleming Smart), I HAD STARTED TO ACCEP “MY DESTINY” and the fact of being WHO I WAS: “THIS HORRIBLE FACE LOOKING HUMAN BEING”…
Sitting now right here, in front of this my computer scren, I have been crying a sea of tears… Cause then every memory of my past has crossed again here by my mind… Once again, I have seen “to that Tony”, trying only to fucking SURVIVE to all of his PAST…
“Going from here to there, wherever he would be “called” by somebody, to only clean “his place, his house, his fucking garden…”
SOMETIMES I WOULD FUCKING WAKE UP VERY EARLY IN THE MORNING, TO ONLY TRIP TO MERIDA AND GO TO THE PLACE WHERE THAT DAY I´D BE WORKING… (Fuck! I WAS SO FUCLING ALONE… AND THEN I WOULD SEE TO EVERYBODY ELSE BEING THEM SELVES… SO FREE, SO… BEING LIKE FISHES INTO THE WATER…).
What did I feel and think then?! “Now I don´t fucking know… Or maybe… I WAS TRYING TO BE TOO BUSY “BEING MEAN OR EVIL”, criticizing in IN MY MIND, SECRETLY, EVERY SINGLE THING THAT MY EYES AND BRAIN WERE SEEING…
“Criticizing, for example, the differences “BETWEEN POORS AND RICHS”, THE SOCIAL CLASSES “AND MORE”… “Sometimes I would only see to “the work class people as some inferiors… SOME INFERIORS THAT WOULD NEVER MAKE QUESTIONS THEM SELVES, LIKE “WHY THEY WERE WHAT THEY WERE AND NOT OTHER THING…”
Right now, when I´m writing all of this, I HAVE TO CONFESS THAT, I DON´T GIVE A DAMN ANYMORE ABOUT THE RICH PEOPLE… TO ME, THEY NOW, THEY ALSO ARE THE SAME KIND OF SHIT THAN THE POOR ONES OF MONEY…
But one day, just one year ago, or a bit more, I would still consider them AS SOME SUPERIOR PEOPLE…
“RICHS AND POORS…. FUCK THEM ALL…”
I… I WAS ONLY ME… “Someone very freak who had read lots and lots of books… Someone who had spent lots of time, questioning lots and lots of things…, bla, bla, bla…
THAT´S WHO ANTHONY SMART WAS… SOMEONE WHO -WHEN THAT DAY WHEN TO MEET YOU “FOR A JOB INTERVIEW”- HAD STARTED TO ACCEP HIM SELF THE WAY HE WAS: SO FUCKING AWFUL FACE, BUT SO FUCKING “SMART”… WITH A UNIQUE BRAIN, TO THINK, TO ANALIZE AND CRITICIZE “EVERYTHING WHAT HIS EYES AND BRAIN SAW IN THIS CRAPPY WORLD…
THAT DAY, WHEN HE WOULD FINALLY SEE YOU, HIS MIND WOULD ONLY TELL HIM… “DUDE… GIVE IT UP! YOU WILL NEVER BE LOVED AS YOU HAVE EVER DREAMED, WISHED AND WAITED TO… CAUSE YOU ARE SO FUCKING UGLY FACE, THAT THE ONLY THING THAT YOU CAN EXPECT FROM NOW AND FOREVER FROM THIS FUCKING LIFE IS ONLY “REJECTION”, HATENESS AND MORE…”
AND SO… THAT DAY, WHEN YOU DROVE TONY AT YOUR HOUSE…
YEAH… “THAT DAMNED TONY REALLY HAD STARTED TO ACCEPT HIS FUCKING DESTINY… TO BE ALONE AND LONELY…”
CAUSE, AFTER ALL, THAT´S HOW HE HAD BEEN ALL HIS PAST LIFE… ALL A LIFETIME… 39 YEARS THAT IN REALITY HAD SEMPT TO BE 39´000´000 FUCKING YEARS…”
AND NOW, HERE HE IS… STILL TRYING TO FUCKING GAIN SOME SECURITY IN HIM SELF… BUT IS NOT FUCKING EASY…
CAUSE THEN, THOSE ALL GHOSTS FROM HIS PAST, OVER AND OVER AGAIN COME BACK TO VISIT HIM… “GHOSTS, LIKE THE BRAND NAME OF HIS TWO BIKES, THAT YOU PUT TOGETHER ALONG WITH HIM…”
I HAD STOPPED TO CRY, BUT, NOW, AGAIN I HAVE STARTED TO…
THIS HURTS A LOT… EACH TIME I GET INSECURE AGAIN, IT FUCKING HURTS A LOT… OVER AND OVER AGAIN I COMEBACK TO FEEL A BIT INSECURE OF ALL YOUR LOVE OF A FATHER TOWARDS ME…
OVER AND OVER AGAIN, WHEN ALL THESE GHOSTS VISIT ME AGAIN, ALL I START TO FEEL AND THINK IS THAT I SHOULD HAVE HAD STAYED “AWAY FROM YOU”, AND ONLY HAVE KEPT SEEING YOU “AS AN STRANGER”…
CAUSE A BIG PART OF ME, OF THAT TONY, ONLY TOLD ME AND MADE ME SEE THAT… THAT I WAS THE MOST AWFUL FACE IN THIS WORLD… AND SO NO MAN, EVER NEVER, WOULD WANT TO… LOVE SOMEONE LIKE… ME…
So, then… WHEN I WENT TO MEET YOU… THAT TONY, ALREADY HAD STARTED TO ACCEPT HIS DESTINY… HIS FUCKING PAINFUL DESTINY…
AND NOW, HERE I´M… STILL DEALING WITH ALL THOSE GHOSTS THAT, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, COMEBACK TO VISIT ME, MAKING ME DOUBT, SO QUICKLY, OF ALL YOUR LOVE…
CAUSE THEN, YOU ARE SO HANDSOME AND SO SELF CONFIDENCE… TO HAVE… A SON LIKE… ME…
SO HANDSOME… SO BEAUTIFUL… IN AND OUTSIDE… YOU!
“SHAYNE CARL FLEMING”… THE MAN THAT, IN SECRET, TONY, ME, ONLY WANTED AND WISHED TO CALL: “P-A-P-Á”.
Anthony “Ugly Swan” Smart
Mayo/18/2024
9:51 p.m. Saturday
